Still Alive, Still Thinking Too Much

I was preparing my bullet journal for August and it suddenly hit me that we are officially in the second half of 2020…

And things are not getting better.

They do not look like they’re going to get better any time soon.

They might even get worse.

And it sounds like a cliched, pathetic attempt to say this, but I guess all we can do is to find what beauty and joy we can in the moment.

 

Something that has been tugging my inner guilt strings – the fact that I am not working full-time at the moment. A recent email exchange with one of the places where I provide services informed me that they still have a “no visitor” policy, which I understand as totally valid and needed.

What surprised me was the sense of relief I felt upon hearing that.

And following that, guilt.

I feel guilty that I feel relieved that I have a legit reason not to be working full time right now.

If that makes sense.

In relation to that, I’ve been thinking a lot (probably too much) about our society and expectations and the social constructs of “full time” vs “part time” work, at least in this part of the world.

For example, why do we feel that someone needs a good, valid reason to be working “part time” (kids, caregiving duties, disability, etc)? I can only imagine the “oh ok…..”s should I tell people that I choose to work “part time” because I enjoy having time for myself, because I feel the stimulation of working “full time” to be too much, because “part time” allows me the balance of being meaningfully engaged without being drained, with enough time to recharge and sustain (ie: Reasons that potentially sound selfish and … *gasp*… lazy) …

Having said all that, I understand that being able to choose this “part time” option without too much stress and worry about finances is a luxury, and that many would probably choose this option if only their commitments and responsibilities allow them to do so.

Which then spirals me into another cycle of guilt for seemingly having it easier than others…

 

 

 

Constants

There are 24 hours in a day.

The sun rises and sets.

The law of gravity still applies.

All seasons change.

Water evaporates.

All living things die.

Time will march on.

This too shall pass.

 

In a world where there isn’t much we can be sure about anymore, constant things suddenly seem a lot more precious.

 

 

 

We Feel Things.

Something that seems to have become more prevalent in social media posts, and in my own reflections and experiences –

Feelings. And how we deal with them.

Suddenly, it has become normal to admit that you’re not as ok as people expect you to be.

There is less pressure on people to offer advice and try to fix things. Because honestly, unless you have a vaccine for Covid-19, there’s nothing much anyone can do right now to fix things in the way we hope to have it fixed.

And to be honest, I’m actually really glad.

I’m not glad for all the suffering, pain, uncertainty and anxiety that is happening around the world right now. 

But I’m glad that the language of uncomfortable feelings and emotions are becoming more normalised and acceptable, especially in societies and cultures where such topics were once extremely taboo and stigmatised.

I’m glad that so many are speaking about how it’s ok to be not ok.

I’m glad that when I felt guilty for feeling safe and protected at home, I found comfort in friends who openly expressed the same feeling, letting me know that I’m not a monster.

I’m glad that there is an acknowledgement of the collective grief we are all experiencing and the support we are giving to help each other through it.

 

Who would have thought we’d live to see such strange times?

A Whole New World

Today I went out for the first time after the latest new measures were implemented in the country, asking everyone to remain at home as much as possible.

Public parks are one of the few places people are still allowed to visit. They haven’t been shut off… yet.

Everywhere we look, there are reminders that we are living in a totally different and unexpected world.

Everything has changed too fast and too much.

Perhaps its all we can do, to hold on to little moments of physical freedom.

Inhaling the beauty of greenery around us, embracing the expansive blue of the sky, and sighing in quiet joy with the morning shadows.

 

Hello From The Other Side

Sitting by the window in my room.

At first it struck me how the window grills look like a cage….

But the comforting cup at the corner reminds me that I am not trapped, I am SAFE.

And it is such a blessing to be safe in this moment.

It is such a blessing to have the blue sky to look at.

It is such a blessing to be able to work from home, and drink coffee in my room, and be able to paint the sky and enjoy the sun even from inside.

There is always something to be grateful for.

Looking Ahead for Hope

It’s just one month, I tell myself.

After one month, things will get better.

You’ve booked a staycation in May (with flexible cancellation dates. Just in case).

You’ll get to meet your friends again and sit in the cafes to have coffee and people watch through window seats. In the meantime, you can still journal at home. You can make art. Music. Read. You have Zoom. And Skype. You can finally do all the online courses you’ve always wanted to do but never had the time for. You’ll have all the downtime you’ve always dreamed off and not have to feel guilty about it! You’re not going to be bored to death. You’ve always been able to find things to do at home. It’s just the mindset of having to stay at home now that’s making you anxious and feeling trapped. And that’s understandable.

It’s ok to feel scared and anxious, AND also remember that we don’t have to panic and that this will pass. We’re in the storm now, knowing that this storm won’t last forever.

Hang on!

Enhanced Measures

Collective grieving is taking place.

We are grieving the loss of normalcy, the loss of the lives we could be living.

Even though the period of these measures is supposed to last only a month, I think there’s a part of us that says: “What if?”

What if it lasts more than a month?

What if it becomes a full-blown lockdown?

What if this never ends?

What if we never know “normal” as we once did again?

And so we do what any human being with feelings would do.

We grieve.

Apartment

It felt like such a long time since I took the camera out to take pictures of lovely things and spaces. Much needed connection with the simple and beautiful things.

The Social Space

A place to be not-so-social.

 

Meows

When pretty ones make your day.