Single is not a Bad Word

“All the podcasts for singles out there are about dating, how to find love, how to meet people, etc. Why are there so little voices from and about people who are single and don’t feel the need to date?”

This was my gripe to a friend recently. I’m not sure where it is coming from, exactly. To be fair, it’s not that I haven’t come across content by people who are single and who extoll the benefits of singlehood. But, all of them seem to be based on the premise that they are single AT THE MOMENT. They are happy, yes. They are fulfilled, yes. They have meaningful friendships and relationships, yes. But their content seems to be generally based on the caveat that this is not a permanent thing. Their true destiny, eventually, is to be partnered.

And while that in itself is not wrong or something I judge, I cannot help but feel a stab of disappointment every time I come across a page or podcast about a single person, get excited that I have found my tribe, and then somewhere along the way I read or hear a line that goes: “When I eventually settle down with someone…” or “Being single prepares me for being in a relationship because…”

What I’m looking for, I think, is the reassurance that this is a legit way of life. Being single and happy on your own is NOT just a stepping stone to being partnered. Enjoying your own company is not sad. There is nothing wrong with you for not feeling the desire to be in an intimate relationship. There are other ways to get your emotional needs met outside of an intimate romantic relationship. I want to be reassured of these things. Yet, the messages I constantly get from society tell me that this is meant to be a passing phase, that I just haven’t met the right person, that I’m just afraid of intimacy, that there is a Yet To Come.

Who knows, perhaps one day I will look back on this post, turn to my partner and laugh about it.

But for now, I am an angsty single person who is tired of all the implied societal messages about what happiness should look like. I want to rebel by taking up my space as a self-partnered individual and not feel smaller or less entitled for it. I want to claim my identity as a single person and not worry that people might feel sorry for me. I want to say “I’m single” and not feel that I’ve just said a bad word.

Still Alive, Still Thinking Too Much

I was preparing my bullet journal for August and it suddenly hit me that we are officially in the second half of 2020…

And things are not getting better.

They do not look like they’re going to get better any time soon.

They might even get worse.

And it sounds like a cliched, pathetic attempt to say this, but I guess all we can do is to find what beauty and joy we can in the moment.

 

Something that has been tugging my inner guilt strings – the fact that I am not working full-time at the moment. A recent email exchange with one of the places where I provide services informed me that they still have a “no visitor” policy, which I understand as totally valid and needed.

What surprised me was the sense of relief I felt upon hearing that.

And following that, guilt.

I feel guilty that I feel relieved that I have a legit reason not to be working full time right now.

If that makes sense.

In relation to that, I’ve been thinking a lot (probably too much) about our society and expectations and the social constructs of “full time” vs “part time” work, at least in this part of the world.

For example, why do we feel that someone needs a good, valid reason to be working “part time” (kids, caregiving duties, disability, etc)? I can only imagine the “oh ok…..”s should I tell people that I choose to work “part time” because I enjoy having time for myself, because I feel the stimulation of working “full time” to be too much, because “part time” allows me the balance of being meaningfully engaged without being drained, with enough time to recharge and sustain (ie: Reasons that potentially sound selfish and … *gasp*… lazy) …

Having said all that, I understand that being able to choose this “part time” option without too much stress and worry about finances is a luxury, and that many would probably choose this option if only their commitments and responsibilities allow them to do so.

Which then spirals me into another cycle of guilt for seemingly having it easier than others…

 

 

 

Enhanced Measures

Collective grieving is taking place.

We are grieving the loss of normalcy, the loss of the lives we could be living.

Even though the period of these measures is supposed to last only a month, I think there’s a part of us that says: “What if?”

What if it lasts more than a month?

What if it becomes a full-blown lockdown?

What if this never ends?

What if we never know “normal” as we once did again?

And so we do what any human being with feelings would do.

We grieve.

Slow and Steady

As I sat down for lunch, I noticed this little guy was at the bottom of the wall. He hardly seemed to be moving, if at all.

About 10 minutes later, I looked in his direction and saw that he had made it this far. Wow, that was fast, I thought.

At the end of my lunch, as I was packing to go off, I took one more look at him and saw that he had made it to the top of the wall, and seemed to have reached his destination among the bushes.

Slow and steady. You will make it.

Dark Over Light, Light Over Dark

I’d like the light to win over dark, of course. But sometimes resistance is futile (and tiring) and you just have to accept that the dark is stronger for now and sitting over the light.

And that you can step back and look at the colours flow and overlap with each other. Which can be quite an aesthetically pleasing sight.

And remember that it could always be worse.

It could be totally black, without any other colours at all. At least now I can still see the colours and I know they’re there.

Essentialism – Saying No.

So I recently read this book:

Essentialism: The Disciplined Pursuit of Less

In a nutshell – how to discriminate between the vital few in a society which glorifies the trivial many. How to make choices that will advance our agenda (provided that we know what we want in the first place), and allow us to focus our limited energy and resources on aspects of our lives where we can make the highest quality of contribution.

Needless to say, achieving the above consists of a fair bit of saying no.  And not long after I had finished the book,  I had the chance to practice some of the principles almost immediately.

A call from a respected person in my circle came: Would I like to perform with them in front of some Minister for some Chinese New Year event on the following Sunday?

There are several issues I have with their request.

• Firstly, Performing = Dressing up, putting on makeup, making small talk before and after, waiting for long hours just for that few minutes on stage – all of which are not quite at the top of my favourite things to do.
• Secondly, Sunday = My day of rest (which obviously does not include the activities stated above). That Sunday also happened to be the day when I had arranged for Skype supervision from Sydney – and I did not want to postpone it again.

 

So, my mind started going into overdrive, thinking how I was going to get out of this one in the most respectful, graceful way possible.

“Erm..That Sunday…”

“Why? Are you overseas? Not around?”

“No, I’m around. But, I have already made plans to skype someone that day… And it’s quite important.”

“Oh.”

I heard the disappointment, and it really disturbed me at first, to know that my response had been the cause of it. I had probably been expected to be really excited and thankful for the opportunity to perform at such a prestigious event, and to accept it immediately. My response must have been unexpected. Maybe ungrateful and rude, even.

But.

Now that I am able to look back on it, I feel only relief and pride. I maintained my boundaries respectfully and honestly. I made a choice that allowed me to direct my energy in an effective way, conserving it from being spent at an event that would probably have no long-lasting benefit on me or my life. They would probably think twice before asking/inviting me to another event or opportunity like this… and frankly I am perfectly fine even if they never consider me again.

I’m glad I said no. 

Rest

So for the first time in my life, I am actually not doing something fully.

For a month or so, at least, I am working… *gasp* part-time.

To be honest this was something that would never have come to me as a feasible idea.

Work part-time? And have… all that free time?! Apart from weekends?! And take home less pay than I already am making?!

But once I made the decision, it felt so right, so why-didn’t-I-do-this-earlier.

“Finally!” I could hear my body saying. “I’ve been trying to tell you for so long!”

OK, buddy. I’m listening to you now.

 

On the first weekday I did not have to go to work, I found the time and motivation to finish an online course I had been putting off. I enjoyed a slow leisurely lunch with the brother. I went cycling and soaked in some Vitamin D and produced some endorphins. The exercise was so beneficial that I felt motivated for the first time in 2 months to compose new musical ideas for sessions! Then I cried and used it as a wonderful opportunity to practice self-compassion.

 

I have no idea what will happen from here.

But let’s see where this journey is going 🙂

#Reasonstostayalive

India 2018

I learnt that everything can look the same on the outside but the weight you carry around can really make a difference to how you see the world.

On good days I would be present. On not-so-good days it feels like everything is seen through a fog. Like I’m there but… not really there.

Does that make sense?

Expectations were another thing I had to grapple with.

I guess I had gone on this trip with the expectation that everything would be solved. That the weight would lift, that I would be able to move on with life as before again.

It can be dangerous to have expectations. Because it means you’re setting yourself up for greater disappointment and despair.

So I learnt that it’s probably better to have more realistic expectations, especially where human emotions are concerned, and that maybe, there are just some things in life we have to go through.

And these things are shitty and feel horrible and confusing but –

if I could just pull through, I know something will come out of it. Something has to.

I refuse to go through all these in vain.

Today I am Thankful for:

• Friends and people who have been there for me through the past few months
• The fact that I live in a country where I am able to get access to therapy services and health care
• The awareness I have over my feelings and bodily sensations
• The ability to FEEL.
• My morning routine.
• The desire to stick to my morning routine, even when I don’t feel like it.
• The ability to look towards the future.
• Having made it to 2019.
• A world with music, books and cats.