Category Archives: Uncategorized

Today I am Thankful for:

  • Friends and people who have been there for me through the past few months
  • The fact that I live in a country where I am able to get access to therapy services and health care
  • The awareness I have over my feelings and bodily sensations
  • The ability to FEEL.
  • My morning routine.
  • The desire to stick to my morning routine, even when I don’t feel like it.
  • The ability to look towards the future.
  • Having made it to 2019.
  • A world with music, books and cats.

 

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Shopping and Inner Voices

On the most normal and mundane of days, I do not enjoy shopping as a recreational activity to begin with. But sometimes, I indulge in it when I’m with friends. During which I would walk around with them and inwardly gasp at how expensive our consumerist society is, while keeping up a conversation of sorts as they browse the racks. As long as it’s not for too long a period, as long as I feel we’re still making some meaningful connection – I’m fine.

But yesterday, a mere 20-minute walk around the shops transformed into Battle of the Inner Voices.

What’s the point of doing this.

She wants to shop, its her day off, just walk around with her for awhile.

Yes but what’s the point. Of all this. Of life. 

Let’s not go there. Just walk. 

Ok now she’s talking to you. Smile and say something appropriate.

Ok. Why do I always have to feel like I have to put on a mask?

You don’t. You’re choosing not to let her know how you’re feeling inside.

That’s because I don’t think she’d understand. And it’d just make everyone uncomfortable. Putting on a mask is easier. 

So don’t complain. 

I’m not complaining. I’m just trying to articulate what I’m feeling.

So what are you feeling? In the body?

There’s that weight in my chest. The foggy feeling. The feeling like something is wrong with me.

Ok just note it and let it be. It is what it is.

Smile, Smile. 

I’m trying. Why is this so hard. What’s the point, again?

It’s ok, you’re doing the best you can.

If I were better I wouldn’t be feeling this way. 

It’s not your fault, just note the sensations and let them be. See where it takes you.

It’s just… there. Where is it going? What if it stays there forever and never gets better?

You don’t know that. Just breathe mindfully. 

I can’t wait to get home and cry. 

 

 

 

Sydney 2018 – What I Learnt

An important lesson I learnt in Sydney was this:
You can travel to the ends of the earth, but you cannot run away from the things inside you. The trip was wonderful and relaxing and all, and I met my aim of revisiting old memories and creating new ones.

Yet…

The body will have its way of telling you that something is wrong, be it the constant pains and aches in the chest, the feeling that something is stuck in your throat, or the unpredictable tearfulness.

I realise I have always thought of my adult self as someone who is “with it”, “steady”, “in-control”… And when those images of myself began to fall apart… it was scary, naturally.

When I look back, it was probably only my spiritual practices and divine grace that continued to keep me grounded during those days when I couldn’t explain what was happening to me and with my emotions.

 

Something to remember when I feel the inertia to wake up that 30-45minutes earlier in the morning! 😉

Thank you Sydney, for the memories and lessons. Till next time!