Category Archives: Thoughts

India 2018

I learnt that everything can look the same on the outside but the weight you carry around can really make a difference to how you see the world.

On good days I would be present. On not-so-good days it feels like everything is seen through a fog. Like I’m there but… not really there.

Does that make sense?

Expectations were another thing I had to grapple with.

I guess I had gone on this trip with the expectation that everything would be solved. That the weight would lift, that I would be able to move on with life as before again.

It can be dangerous to have expectations. Because it means you’re setting yourself up for greater disappointment and despair.

So I learnt that it’s probably better to have more realistic expectations, especially where human emotions are concerned, and that maybe, there are just some things in life we have to go through.

And these things are shitty and feel horrible and confusing but –

if I could just pull through, I know something will come out of it. Something has to.

I refuse to go through all these in vain.

Advertisements

Today I am Thankful for:

  • Friends and people who have been there for me through the past few months
  • The fact that I live in a country where I am able to get access to therapy services and health care
  • The awareness I have over my feelings and bodily sensations
  • The ability to FEEL.
  • My morning routine.
  • The desire to stick to my morning routine, even when I don’t feel like it.
  • The ability to look towards the future.
  • Having made it to 2019.
  • A world with music, books and cats.

 

Shopping and Inner Voices

On the most normal and mundane of days, I do not enjoy shopping as a recreational activity to begin with. But sometimes, I indulge in it when I’m with friends. During which I would walk around with them and inwardly gasp at how expensive our consumerist society is, while keeping up a conversation of sorts as they browse the racks. As long as it’s not for too long a period, as long as I feel we’re still making some meaningful connection – I’m fine.

But yesterday, a mere 20-minute walk around the shops transformed into Battle of the Inner Voices.

What’s the point of doing this.

She wants to shop, its her day off, just walk around with her for awhile.

Yes but what’s the point. Of all this. Of life. 

Let’s not go there. Just walk. 

Ok now she’s talking to you. Smile and say something appropriate.

Ok. Why do I always have to feel like I have to put on a mask?

You don’t. You’re choosing not to let her know how you’re feeling inside.

That’s because I don’t think she’d understand. And it’d just make everyone uncomfortable. Putting on a mask is easier. 

So don’t complain. 

I’m not complaining. I’m just trying to articulate what I’m feeling.

So what are you feeling? In the body?

There’s that weight in my chest. The foggy feeling. The feeling like something is wrong with me.

Ok just note it and let it be. It is what it is.

Smile, Smile. 

I’m trying. Why is this so hard. What’s the point, again?

It’s ok, you’re doing the best you can.

If I were better I wouldn’t be feeling this way. 

It’s not your fault, just note the sensations and let them be. See where it takes you.

It’s just… there. Where is it going? What if it stays there forever and never gets better?

You don’t know that. Just breathe mindfully. 

I can’t wait to get home and cry. 

 

 

 

Some Things I’ve Learnt This Year

 

  1. Human beings are complex creatures.
  2. It’s perfectly possible to be happy yet feel distressed and weighed down – for no particular reason – at the same time.
  3. Writing down your thoughts helps.
  4. It’s ok to cry.
  5. There is not such thing as a “wrong” emotion.
  6. It’s ok to ask for help.
  7. It’s important to ask the RIGHT PEOPLE for help.
  8. Safe spaces for authentic expression are essential – Be it with friends, within therapy, or with yourself. We all need safe spaces in our lives where we can truly be authentic.
  9. It’s so important to be able to advocate for yourself (i.e: Set boundaries, educate people around you about your limits and needs). Because no one else can. And frankly, it’s quite unfair to expect people to be able to read your mind or know what you need if you don’t say anything.
  10. “Self-care” may sometimes mean pushing yourself to do what you may not feel like doing, but know it will be good for you (Eg: Getting out of bed to start your yoga and meditation routine, even though your brain is telling you that you can’t do it, that it’s too hard, that you’re not worth it).

 

Probably am still in the process of learning, for many of them.

 

May we all strive on with courage.

“But You Look Fine.”

It’s like having a broken leg, only no one knows it’s broken. Or even believes its broken.

“But you look fine.”

Because it still looks like a leg. With joints and everything. It’s not visibly BROKEN broken.

Not like this:

 

You get what I mean.

And for some reason you feel this complex need of having to play along with what everyone else thinks – that your leg is not broken.

So you run with it, jump with it, walk, crawl and bend with it – because of “But you look fine.”

All the while knowing that something is wrong, that something hurts and won’t go away, that something is preventing you from doing things to the best of your ability.

“But you look fine” – while possibly meant to be reassuring – ends up feeling really hurtful and dismissive. And for some people – might perpetuate the need to play along and align themselves with societal expectations of having non-broken legs. At the expense of their own well-being and needs.

What I’m learning is:

Sometimes we trip, sometimes we fall. And legs DO get broken. Accept that, and take care of your leg if it happens.