Category Archives: Thoughts

Seek

It is ok

Even if your days look like endless walks

through the forests of your mind.

There is still beauty –

in the walking,

in the going on,

in the moving forward,

in the seeking for something you’re not quite sure you’re going to find.

There is still beauty in all of that.

 

 

 

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The Logic of Self-Care

I used to think that self-care was some sort of insurance or guarantee.

As long as I practice my self-care routines, set my boundaries, have enough time for my solitude and recharge, I will be fine. I will have problems and life will be shitty from time to time, BUT I will still be be able to go to work daily, make a living doing what I enjoy, while cultivating quality relationships with people important to me – AS LONG AS I PRACTICE SELF-CARE.

The equation has somewhat shifted.

I realise self-care is not something you do in order to prevent upheavals from happening to you.

Self-care is what you fall back on when the upheaval happens.

And I am thankful for the self-care routines and habits I had formed before to fall back on over the past few months – Habits, relationships, activities I do.

And now I am learning that I can try to do more to improve what I already have, so that I can grow in resilience and strength.

Ink Mountain

I sat in front of the images and looked at them for a long time.

Long enough for the kind curator to cautiously approach me and say: “These are abstract images.”

Perhaps she thought I was trying too hard to make sense of them.

And I was… I was trying to make my own meaning out of what I saw.

As we often try to do in life.

Her Singing Voice

We were singing the Goodbye Song when we heard it. Her singing voice.

She was going “baaaaaaii~~~!” at every “bye” in the Goodbye Song, while looking straight at me. It took me about 2 rounds of that to realise she was singing.

Before that session, I had only ever heard her vocalise and babble using her baby sounds. It was the first time I heard her use what seemed to be her singing voice – softer, more airy, not in tune but definitely higher than her usual vocal range, as if she was trying to hit a higher note. She seemed to know it was a long note at the end of the phrase, too. As her breath was sustained, the notes would spiral into a descending glissando. In the space in the music after each note, her contribution was mirrored musically, as a validation. To let her know: I can hear you, I can see you, and I am taking your lead in this music we are in together.

Can you imagine what it feels like to hear a child discover her voice for the first time?

It was beautiful.

Ask. Give.

I must admit it does not come naturally to ask for help.

There were times when I felt (and still feel) like I’m a burden. Like who am I to take up so much of others’ time or to request to company of someone who must have better things to do?

But I hope I will one day completely realise and believe that this is how our world must go on – to be able to ask for help when we need it and to be able to give when we can.

I am thankful for all the help I have been able to afford and receive, as well as the help I have been able to give, whether consciously or otherwise.