Healing Conversations

Meeting up with a long-time friend last night after a period of hiatus offered me some new insights and perspectives on being in this world.

I told her that our meetup was very healing for me, for reasons I couldn’t quite articulate in the moment myself. “I don’t know… It just felt healing… on a deeper level.” I replied when she asked how was it healing.

It was only after some reflection and processing this afternoon that I think I came to some sort of explanation…

See, in my relationship with myself, I think I am at the stage where I can comfortably switch between roles, act them out accordingly, and give myself time and space to recharge, thereby reconnecting with myself, and maintaining authenticity and a relatively authentic relationship with myself. I may not always want to be outgoing and spontaneous, but if my job requires it I am able to tell myself that there is meaning in doing this, so let’s do it, and most of the time I am able to make peace with the different roles I have to play in daily life.

But, in my relationship with the world, I don’t think I always have this harmony or peace. In fact, there may be times when I might actually resent and blame the world for all my painful, conflicting emotions, my struggles with unworthiness and inferiority and inadequacy. While I can forgive myself for having to act inauthentically at times, I may not always forgive the world, that which has forced me to act in this way and which has imposed these struggles upon me (at least that’s how I see it).

And thus, having friends who represent a facet of that world, showing me that it is possible for at least a small part of that external world to understand, to not judge, to really LISTEN, to validate and see me for who I am, without expecting me to change to meet their expectations…

This longtime friend was just that, and I think that’s why and where I found healing.

Thank you 🙂

Time Lapse

So I recently discovered the magic of the time lapse function on the iphone… almost 11 months after using it.

Better late than never!

Nightly Jaunt

On a Friday before the Mid-Autumn Festival, we went on an outing to the ever-crowded Gardens.

We stood in the middle of the bridge, leaning over to feel it shaking ever so slightly, feeling the cool night air against our faces.

We sat by the waterfront, watching the Supertrees light up for a second time, commenting about the musical arrangement and how the lights look better further away.

I am again reminded of the fact that with some, it really is easier for friendship to grow when you don’t have to work professionally together. When you don’t have to draw clear lines, maintain boundaries, worry about your shortcomings and inadequacies, knowing that a friend would support you in ways a colleague perhaps would not and could not.

Companionship

Sometimes, before I sleep, I would grab a book off the shelf beside me – a book I have read before, and flip to any random page, just for some light reading to relax my over-active mind.

A few nights ago, I picked out ‘Elegance of the Hedgehog”, and my eyes fell on this paragraph, which immediately captured my mind like never before (so much for light-reading).

This pause in time, within time…when did I first experience the exquisite sense of surrender that is possible only with another person? The peace of mind one experiences on one’s own, one’s certainty of self in the serenity of solitude, are nothing in comparison to the release and openness and fluency one shares with another, in close companionship…

And I thought of how, as much as I enjoy my own company, to a certain extent, being on our own too much, having to be on the lookout for yourself all the time, may make one into an overly-cautious person.

With the few close friends I have, being with them, as we go through the ups and downs of life, as we develop our relationship with each other, one conversation, one insight at a time, does give me a sense of relief and surrender. The knowledge that we can look out for each other, that we need not bear our burdens alone, that we can always count on the other to be there, gives another dimension to life that one might not be able to experience in solitude.

And then I slowly floated to sleep, with prayers and hopes for the happiness of all my close companions 🙂