Happy Non-Teacher’s Day

This year, I celebrate my identity as a non-teacher.

On the Wednesday of the last week of August, as schools around the island closed for half a day to celebrate and honour their teachers, I reflected on my identity of not being one.

I looked at instagram posts by ex-colleagues and friends, sharing their proud moments, their pile of letters and gifts from students, being award titles like “Most Caring” or “Most Inspiring”. I looked at them and I felt a little tug. I could have been one of them. I WAS one of them.

What was that tug? Jealousy? Nostalgia? The longing for something you think you might like but know that you would not want it so much once you have got your hands on it?

Maybe a mixture of all of the above.

As I contemplated my mixed feelings on a day I had always had mixed feelings about (because I was never fully secure in my identity as a teacher), I also contemplated on the person I am now.

I thought about the decision I made to leave a particular system, though I realise now that leaving the system does not necessarily mean leaving the identity completely. So many aspects of who I am now and what I do as a music therapist still manifest from the teacher in me, just in a different context and in a different industry, with different goals and intentions.

And as I told a comrade, “the institution we left has its own system of rewards to get us to do what they want. Because we have opted out of that system, it means that we may not get those rewards, but it also means we are spared from the confines of that system.”

And that is certainly something to celebrate. Because freedom to be who you are and to relate to your authentic personality in what you do is something priceless. Certainly not something you can measure in gifts and awards and letters, no matter how heartfelt and touching and affirming they are.

That said, I was very touched by the call from 2 ex-students. It’s always nice to be remembered.

So… on a day when I would have celebrated (or tried to celebrate) my identity as a teacher, I instead contemplated on who I am, who I want to be. And relished in the freedom of being able to do so.

Existential Freedom

When I saw the 2 words together, I knew they were the explanation I had been looking for all along.

Existential Freedom.

The reason why I like to roam the streets with no one but myself for company.

The reason why I like to sit by windows, with a cup of latte, a notebook and pen to trace the spilling of my thoughts.

The reason why I might shun company, content to experience life on my own at times.

Too much of our lives are determined by schedules, appointments, duties, responsibilities, deadlines, curfews of all kinds. Being on my own helps me go beyond that. It provides me with a measure of existential freedom. To help me know that I am not defined by my role in a corporation, an institution or in a society. To help me feel that I am something more, something which can be found within, and largely when I am in company with myself.

The next time someone asks me why I like to spend so much time alone, this will be my answer.

For existential freedom.

Fly

I miss
The novelty of the foreign,
The anticipation of exploration.
The walking down of unfamiliar streets,
Peeping into the lives of others.

I miss
The freedom from social ties,
The absence of obligation.
The release from conformity,
Anonymity in a land of strangers.

In The World

“Some people stay away from the World, but can never stay Free.

There are some who stay in the World, and yet are free.”