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India 2018

I learnt that everything can look the same on the outside but the weight you carry around can really make a difference to how you see the world.

On good days I would be present. On not-so-good days it feels like everything is seen through a fog. Like I’m there but… not really there.

Does that make sense?

Expectations were another thing I had to grapple with.

I guess I had gone on this trip with the expectation that everything would be solved. That the weight would lift, that I would be able to move on with life as before again.

It can be dangerous to have expectations. Because it means you’re setting yourself up for greater disappointment and despair.

So I learnt that it’s probably better to have more realistic expectations, especially where human emotions are concerned, and that maybe, there are just some things in life we have to go through.

And these things are shitty and feel horrible and confusing but –

if I could just pull through, I know something will come out of it. Something has to.

I refuse to go through all these in vain.

Today I am Thankful for:

  • Friends and people who have been there for me through the past few months
  • The fact that I live in a country where I am able to get access to therapy services and health care
  • The awareness I have over my feelings and bodily sensations
  • The ability to FEEL.
  • My morning routine.
  • The desire to stick to my morning routine, even when I don’t feel like it.
  • The ability to look towards the future.
  • Having made it to 2019.
  • A world with music, books and cats.

 

Shopping and Inner Voices

On the most normal and mundane of days, I do not enjoy shopping as a recreational activity to begin with. But sometimes, I indulge in it when I’m with friends. During which I would walk around with them and inwardly gasp at how expensive our consumerist society is, while keeping up a conversation of sorts as they browse the racks. As long as it’s not for too long a period, as long as I feel we’re still making some meaningful connection – I’m fine.

But yesterday, a mere 20-minute walk around the shops transformed into Battle of the Inner Voices.

What’s the point of doing this.

She wants to shop, its her day off, just walk around with her for awhile.

Yes but what’s the point. Of all this. Of life. 

Let’s not go there. Just walk. 

Ok now she’s talking to you. Smile and say something appropriate.

Ok. Why do I always have to feel like I have to put on a mask?

You don’t. You’re choosing not to let her know how you’re feeling inside.

That’s because I don’t think she’d understand. And it’d just make everyone uncomfortable. Putting on a mask is easier. 

So don’t complain. 

I’m not complaining. I’m just trying to articulate what I’m feeling.

So what are you feeling? In the body?

There’s that weight in my chest. The foggy feeling. The feeling like something is wrong with me.

Ok just note it and let it be. It is what it is.

Smile, Smile. 

I’m trying. Why is this so hard. What’s the point, again?

It’s ok, you’re doing the best you can.

If I were better I wouldn’t be feeling this way. 

It’s not your fault, just note the sensations and let them be. See where it takes you.

It’s just… there. Where is it going? What if it stays there forever and never gets better?

You don’t know that. Just breathe mindfully. 

I can’t wait to get home and cry. 

 

 

 

Everything in its Time