Category Archives: Thoughts

This Feeling…

If I write enough about it, maybe it will go away. 

 

If I allow enough emotion to spill over, perhaps it will cease to exist. 

 

If I sleep long enough, and feel rested enough, perhaps it will be ok…?

How Could It Be?

A nightmare.

Thick smoke rising in the air.

Orange light. Flames.

I get on a bus. It starts moving and we’re driving on a mountain road. Trying to get to safety.

I see buildings above us going up in flames, things inside bursting into flames.

I see objects, debris falling from the dark night sky onto and around the bus I’m in.

Around me I hear voices saying that it’s a natural disaster of sorts which caused the huge fire.

And I think: How could we be having natural disasters in this country?

 

And after I had woken up and dried the tears and felt my breathing go back to normal, I thought: How could I be having struggles with my mental health?

 

Acceptance

I accept that you’re not feeling your best right now. That there’s a nagging voice in your head telling you that you should be happy because you have nothing to be “sad” about. I accept that it’s really tough to live with that voice, and on bad days it makes the shame unbearable and you wish that you could just make it go away. I accept that it feels like a really tough journey and there are days when you feel like such a weakling for wanting to give up. I accept that your chest feels heavy and uncomfortable and tight. I accept that you also feel good at times and then wonder how long will that feeling last, and then feel guilty for wondering that instead of being mindful in that moment of feeling good. I accept that there is a compassionate voice inside that comes out when it’s most needed, even though it feels foreign and weird and even wrong at times. I accept that it’s probably not very used to being used and could probably do with more practice. I accept that there are the horrible feelings and the bad voices, as well as the helpful and kind ones. I accept that this is one heck of a journey and nobody knows what is going to happen. I accept that these things are happening to you, within you, but are also NOT you. I accept that you are a living, breathing, human being. I accept that where you are will not be where you will always be. I accept that this is difficult, and this is life, and this is all ok.

I accept that I am still learning to accept.

Seek

It is ok

Even if your days look like endless walks

through the forests of your mind.

There is still beauty –

in the walking,

in the going on,

in the moving forward,

in the seeking for something you’re not quite sure you’re going to find.

There is still beauty in all of that.

 

 

 

The Logic of Self-Care

I used to think that self-care was some sort of insurance or guarantee.

As long as I practice my self-care routines, set my boundaries, have enough time for my solitude and recharge, I will be fine. I will have problems and life will be shitty from time to time, BUT I will still be be able to go to work daily, make a living doing what I enjoy, while cultivating quality relationships with people important to me – AS LONG AS I PRACTICE SELF-CARE.

The equation has somewhat shifted.

I realise self-care is not something you do in order to prevent upheavals from happening to you.

Self-care is what you fall back on when the upheaval happens.

And I am thankful for the self-care routines and habits I had formed before to fall back on over the past few months – Habits, relationships, activities I do.

And now I am learning that I can try to do more to improve what I already have, so that I can grow in resilience and strength.