Dream

I don’t usually analyse my dreams too deeply,  but this one felt so poignant on so many levels that I felt I had to write about it.

 

In the dream, I am walking down a dark tunnel-like path. I am aware of dark hooded figures standing in a line. They are each holding a gun- rifles of sorts.

I am aware of the thought: If I act confidently and walk normally, maybe they will let me pass.

And so, even though my heart is filled with trepidation, I hold my body and head up and attempt to walk with as much confidence and normalcy I could muster.

About a few steps into this endeavour, one of the figures turned towards me. I knew I had been found out. He threw a blanket over me. I was told to continue walking. I felt the gun being pointed at my back. The hardness of the metal made me feel that the figure would be merciless if he had to. The walk continued for a while more before I felt myself struggling to wake up, and finally managed to escape from the nightmare.

When I think about the dream, I feel it reflects one of my constant fears in daily life: Being found out. Having my cover blown. Imposter syndrome. Walking through life as if everyone else was carrying a gun and ready to pounce on me for the slightest flaw or mistake I show.

Then there’s the blanket. Even though I did not put it on myself voluntarily, it did give me a measure of safety. Kinda like ignorance is bliss. At the same time, it did make me feel cut off from the world, and that generated a stronger sense of the unknown, and more fear.

It also feels slightly ironic that the moment I was exposed or found out, the consequence was that I was shrouded under a thick blanket. Is that something I do to myself in real life too? When I feel threatened or afraid that I’m not meeting the expectations of others or myself, do I put on a thick blanket over myself – perhaps to prevent my cover from being blown? Perhaps on some level, in order to camouflage my flaws, I’d rather not be seen at all. That does feel like a safer alternative.

But is it any way to live?

I have spent so much of my life being bothered by what others think, worrying that I am just not good enough for others. Maybe it’s about time I start to think about just being good enough for myself.

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3 thoughts on “Dream”

  1. Strangely i had a dream about a man with a gun recently. It was not quite the same as yours and i am not sure I am able to analyse it. I don’t know whether it was due to something i had seen on TV or just the news generally or about some inner fears of my own.

    In my dream I was in my home town, yet not in my home town. Somehow it was different. There were lots of narrow streets, turning off from one main street that climbed a hill.
    I was at the top of this main street and i could see a man with a rifle was roaming the streets shooting at people.The streets were mainly deserted except for me. I was trying to hide, but not sure I would be able to escape him. He was searching all the open spaces quite methodically and I had a feeling in the dream that there was nowhere to escape to and nowhere to hide.

    Then the dream seemed to move on. I met a woman (a young woman again) from my school days, not a close friend, an acquaintance really, glamorous and extravert and perhaps with whom I had felt a little inadequate at school. She was wearing a long dress, now I think of it, perhaps it was a sot of sari. I think maybe we were in a hot country, not wet Northern England at all.

    Anyway, I think we were both trying to flee the gunman and I am not sure, perhaps we sort of joined together and were going somewhere away from the frightening streets, We were searching for where everyone else had gone. It was as if we were setting out on a pilgrimage going to a spiritual meeting place, somewhere safe.

    I am not sure if i am making some of this up to try to make it make sense. Dreams are strange aren’t they? Always so mixed up and made of different elements.

    I like remembering them sometimes though.

    I have dreamt of being shot at in open streets before. Perhaps it is a fear of our time. When i have such a dream i am glad to wake up and realise it is just a dream…

    I think your conclusion is thoughtful and wise.
    Having self compassion and just being good enough for yourself.

    I need to remind myself of this too, especially the self compassion bit when i mess up…

    Love and best wishes
    Julia x

    1. Thanks for sharing! That sounds like a really poignant dream too… I think when we find ourselves in dream situations where we are frightened and not in control, it probably reflects some aspects of our lives where that is going on as well. Our minds are indeed complex and subtle.. Self compassion is always a good idea 🙂
      Best wishes,
      K

      1. Yes, I think you have something there…I have been trying to get my life back under some control for a little while. I had to let go of some things….it is hard going….I was trying to do a bit too much… and yet it was hard to let go too…I was feeling like I had failed….
        All the best
        Julia x

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