I don’t usually analyse my dreams too deeply, but this one felt so poignant on so many levels that I felt I had to write about it.
In the dream, I am walking down a dark tunnel-like path. I am aware of dark hooded figures standing in a line. They are each holding a gun- rifles of sorts.
I am aware of the thought: If I act confidently and walk normally, maybe they will let me pass.
And so, even though my heart is filled with trepidation, I hold my body and head up and attempt to walk with as much confidence and normalcy I could muster.
About a few steps into this endeavour, one of the figures turned towards me. I knew I had been found out. He threw a blanket over me. I was told to continue walking. I felt the gun being pointed at my back. The hardness of the metal made me feel that the figure would be merciless if he had to. The walk continued for a while more before I felt myself struggling to wake up, and finally managed to escape from the nightmare.
When I think about the dream, I feel it reflects one of my constant fears in daily life: Being found out. Having my cover blown. Imposter syndrome. Walking through life as if everyone else was carrying a gun and ready to pounce on me for the slightest flaw or mistake I show.
Then there’s the blanket. Even though I did not put it on myself voluntarily, it did give me a measure of safety. Kinda like ignorance is bliss. At the same time, it did make me feel cut off from the world, and that generated a stronger sense of the unknown, and more fear.
It also feels slightly ironic that the moment I was exposed or found out, the consequence was that I was shrouded under a thick blanket. Is that something I do to myself in real life too? When I feel threatened or afraid that I’m not meeting the expectations of others or myself, do I put on a thick blanket over myself – perhaps to prevent my cover from being blown? Perhaps on some level, in order to camouflage my flaws, I’d rather not be seen at all. That does feel like a safer alternative.
But is it any way to live?
I have spent so much of my life being bothered by what others think, worrying that I am just not good enough for others. Maybe it’s about time I start to think about just being good enough for myself.